She stops herself short, turning her head away from him to look out over the city again. Maybe Chloe doesn't quite understand where he's coming from, but he doesn't seem to understand her, either.
"I'm worried about you, Lucifer," she mutters, shaking her head gently. "I know how hard this must be on you. But I can't watch you hurt yourself just to make a point."
He's not used to having anyone feel that way about him. Just like he's not used to feeling that way about anyone, either. He's never been the best at navigating new waters, but this time he wants to try.
If he can't make his point that way, maybe he can do it some other way. "I tortured people for millennia." It doesn't matter that he was forced to do it after being kicked out of Heaven, or that he hadn't enjoyed it as much as his demons had. He'd done it, and he'd been good at it.
"I killed my brother." And Pierce, but he doesn't regret that, and he never will. They both know he was justified in doing it. "What have I done to earn angel wings?"
Chloe turns to face him again. At least this is something she has an answer
to.
"You saved my life. A few times over if what you've told me is any
indication. You've helped the LAPD put dozens of killers away, you've made
the world a little safer and saved lives by making the world a better
place. You don't just punish people anymore. You protect them, too."
She takes a step closer to him, resting her hand on his forearm gently. "I
know I don't always give you a lot of support. But you are so much
more than a consultant now. You've become a pretty decent cop. One that I
am proud to work with... When you aren't making penis jokes."
Not saving her life was never an option for him. The alternative had been unthinkable. The moments when he thought he'd never see her again had been the worst of his life.
"Of course I saved your life. It was the -- " Right thing to do. All of it had been. He hadn't thought of it that way when he did it. He just did it. Apparently some part of him had seen it that way though.
"I...had no reason not to do any of those things."
"You didn't really have any reason to do them, either," she points out. "A lot of people wouldn't. There's plenty of people who don't care, but you do. You don't do it because you think you'll get something out of it, you do it because you're good."
Chloe takes that moment to move closer to him again, her hand sliding down his arm to take his, to make him acknowledge that she is there. And she isn't going anywhere.
"You've started to see that in yourself. That's how you got your wings back, right? Because you can see all the good you've done. Why would you want to throw that away?"
He still only half believes what she's telling him, even as he knows it's true, it must be, because he wouldn't be burdened with his wings if it weren't.
He finally turns to look at her, to focus on the good thing he still isn't sure he deserves.
She shutters a deep breath. In a lot of ways, there is a vast divide between them. They are two very different people who have experienced very different things. But in a lot of ways, they are very similar, too.
"Maybe it would be easier if we could just forget the things that hurt," she tells him, averting her gaze for only a moment before she musters up the nerve to look at him again. "But everything that happens to us--for better or for worse--that's what makes us who we are."
She thinks briefly about her father, how little she talked about him for so long because of how much she missed him. As if avoiding bringing him up, even to her own daughter, would somehow erase the pain of having lost him.
"I know I'm never going to understand everything you've gone through but... That much, I do know."
He's been trying to forget the things that hurt, but of course he can't. Which just leads to trying harder, or ignoring them. He doesn't want to hurt anymore.
He knows that what she's saying makes sense. At least about how he ended up who he is. The disgraced son, banished from his home, who hasn't seen most of his family in millennia. The outsider. The convenient villain.
He doesn't want to go along with it anymore.
"My father wants me back in Hell. If I don't have my wings, I can't go back there."
"If you do have them, you can choose whether to go back there or not," she counters. "Lucifer, I know this is probably going to sound insane, considering, but you don't have to let your dad control you."
Sure, his dad happens to be God, but if He really wanted Lucifer back in Hell, wouldn't He have done it by now?
Chloe grabs his hand with hers, tightening her grip around it. "I know I have no right to ask this, and I know you're going to make your own decisions at the end of the day but..." She sighs, staring up at him. "I'm asking you not to do this."
It's not an ultimatum, but that still doesn't mean what he does won't affect her, too.
Choice. That was all he'd wanted in the first place. Why he'd started a rebellion in the first place, one that got him nowhere but banished. The rebellion that had been doomed to fail from the start, because his father had effectively destroyed the one thing that could help it succeed.
And it was why he had left Hell and settled in Los Angeles. Because he had chosen to.
He still doesn't like his wings, and nothing Chloe or anyone else says about them will ever chance that. It had been another form of defiance to cut them off. Could it also be defiance to keep them? Defiance of what everyone expects of him? No, probably not really.
He looks down at Chloe's hand around his. He doesn't understand why she's asking him this; there are a lot of things he doesn't understand. Nor can he deny that they did come in handy recently. Perhaps one day they will again.
She nods, letting out a slow breath. She knows he'll keep his word. Lucifer can be stubborn and selfish, but he has never lied to her, and Chloe seriously doubts he would now.
"Thank you."
Chloe presses herself up on her toes and kisses him gently on the cheek. He might be doing this begrudgingly, but it means something to her that he's willing to listen - that he's willing to do something he doesn't want to just because he knows it would hurt her.
"I'd apologize for barging in on you, but I'm still getting even for that time you walked in on me getting out of the shower."
He doesn't lie because he can't, and certainly not to her. Does he find loopholes and find ways of wiggling out of things he doesn't want to do? Of course. But he keeps his word. Even if she doesn't understand what exactly she has asked of him, she knows what it means that he agreed.
"You could walk in on me getting out of the shower, if that would help." He wouldn't mind at all. He'd make it happen on purpose, even.
"You can walk in on me anytime you want." That's always been true, even if she wouldn't always have taken him up on it. "Or join me, if you'd rather do that." He won't complain either way.
"If I wanted to stop people walking in on me, I'd live in a place with a better front door than an elevator."
"Your weird kinks aside, has it ever occurred to you to, I don't know, buy a door lock? Or, you know, a door? I kind of like the idea of not getting murdered in my sleep by someone wanting to rob something out of your ridiculously ornate penthouse."
"I've never had to worry about not being murdered." It's a side effect of being immortal. As far as things being stolen, all of the important stuff, the things that are irreplaceable or that shouldn't fall into the hands of anyone who doesn't have divine blood, those are stored in the wall safe in his bedroom.
"Although I suppose now I do, since you insist on sleeping over." Which he has never complained about, and isn't starting now. "I don't know how a door would fit, but I could add some security to the elevator."
"If what you're saying is true, about me making you mortal, it's probably a good idea to take some precautions."
He can't exactly protect her any better than she can him when they're near each other. And she's not going to stop sleeping over just so he can weasel out of some basic security.
"Maybe an alarm? Or a keycard. It's not like you can't afford it."
Chloe does that to people - turns them domestic. Maybe even boring. But Lucifer needs someone to keep him grounded in reality, considering he doesn't live in a world of celestial beings anymore, and being around humans can be... messy.
"I'm assuming your not talking about Dan, so is that your way of saying you want me to look into it?"
"I was not talking about Daniel." He puts up with him because he knows Dan's not going anywhere, but that's about it. "I figured that you might feel safest if you chose those things yourself."
"How did you make passing the job onto me actually sound kind of sweet?"
The fact that he's thinking about her comfort, and more importantly, the fact that he is taking into account her comfort in his home is more meaningful to her than she could probably communicate. Lucifer wasn't always adept at words--as a matter of fact, words got him in trouble more than not--but he has gotten better about speaking through his actions, which is something Chloe is keenly aware of.
"I'll look into it, but you might want to give me a budget."
Look, she knows he's loaded, but she's not sure how loaded.
Okay, so either he's really bad with money or he's a lot richer than she knew. Granted, this is the man who admitted to literally burning money so it could go either way.
"I'll do my best not to ruin you're whole ancient, fancy pants aesthetic."
The penthouse is probably the least homey place she's ever been to, but it suits him. Not to mention, Chloe isn't exactly rolling in dough. Being a cop doesn't pay nearly as well as owning a nightclub.
"You know, it means a lot to me that you're even entertaining this." She turns to face him, leaning against the balcony railing. "Are you serious about it this time? About us?"
The truth is that if she'd asked him to put an actual number on how much money he has, he couldn't do it. Partly because he left the financial business to someone else to run; first Maze, then later a business manager/bartender. And partly because whenever he's needed to buy anything, the money's always just been there and he hasn't yet discovered a limit to his spending ability.
Her question throws him a bit off guard, even though it really shouldn't. Is he serious? More than he's ever been, but he's never been good at putting it into words.
"I did some things that you didn't know about at the time because your safety was more important than mine. Then I did some things that you didn't know about at the time because I didn't want to know what it was like to lose you. And then I realized that what I wanted most was for you to choose me."
He steps forward and rests both hands on the railing. "Los Angeles is the first place where I have felt at home. I thought at first that perhaps it was because I had chosen to live here, but really it was you. You made it feel like home."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-12-28 06:06 am (UTC)She stops herself short, turning her head away from him to look out over the city again. Maybe Chloe doesn't quite understand where he's coming from, but he doesn't seem to understand her, either.
"I'm worried about you, Lucifer," she mutters, shaking her head gently. "I know how hard this must be on you. But I can't watch you hurt yourself just to make a point."
no subject
Date: 2018-12-29 01:54 am (UTC)If he can't make his point that way, maybe he can do it some other way. "I tortured people for millennia." It doesn't matter that he was forced to do it after being kicked out of Heaven, or that he hadn't enjoyed it as much as his demons had. He'd done it, and he'd been good at it.
"I killed my brother." And Pierce, but he doesn't regret that, and he never will. They both know he was justified in doing it. "What have I done to earn angel wings?"
no subject
Date: 2018-12-29 02:07 am (UTC)Chloe turns to face him again. At least this is something she has an answer to.
"You saved my life. A few times over if what you've told me is any indication. You've helped the LAPD put dozens of killers away, you've made the world a little safer and saved lives by making the world a better place. You don't just punish people anymore. You protect them, too."
She takes a step closer to him, resting her hand on his forearm gently. "I know I don't always give you a lot of support. But you are so much more than a consultant now. You've become a pretty decent cop. One that I am proud to work with... When you aren't making penis jokes."
no subject
Date: 2018-12-29 03:00 am (UTC)"Of course I saved your life. It was the -- " Right thing to do. All of it had been. He hadn't thought of it that way when he did it. He just did it. Apparently some part of him had seen it that way though.
"I...had no reason not to do any of those things."
no subject
Date: 2018-12-30 06:12 am (UTC)Chloe takes that moment to move closer to him again, her hand sliding down his arm to take his, to make him acknowledge that she is there. And she isn't going anywhere.
"You've started to see that in yourself. That's how you got your wings back, right? Because you can see all the good you've done. Why would you want to throw that away?"
no subject
Date: 2018-12-30 02:39 pm (UTC)He finally turns to look at her, to focus on the good thing he still isn't sure he deserves.
"They remind me of things I want to forget."
no subject
Date: 2018-12-31 08:32 am (UTC)"Maybe it would be easier if we could just forget the things that hurt," she tells him, averting her gaze for only a moment before she musters up the nerve to look at him again. "But everything that happens to us--for better or for worse--that's what makes us who we are."
She thinks briefly about her father, how little she talked about him for so long because of how much she missed him. As if avoiding bringing him up, even to her own daughter, would somehow erase the pain of having lost him.
"I know I'm never going to understand everything you've gone through but... That much, I do know."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-01 04:34 pm (UTC)He knows that what she's saying makes sense. At least about how he ended up who he is. The disgraced son, banished from his home, who hasn't seen most of his family in millennia. The outsider. The convenient villain.
He doesn't want to go along with it anymore.
"My father wants me back in Hell. If I don't have my wings, I can't go back there."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-01 10:15 pm (UTC)Sure, his dad happens to be God, but if He really wanted Lucifer back in Hell, wouldn't He have done it by now?
Chloe grabs his hand with hers, tightening her grip around it. "I know I have no right to ask this, and I know you're going to make your own decisions at the end of the day but..." She sighs, staring up at him. "I'm asking you not to do this."
It's not an ultimatum, but that still doesn't mean what he does won't affect her, too.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-02 01:48 am (UTC)And it was why he had left Hell and settled in Los Angeles. Because he had chosen to.
He still doesn't like his wings, and nothing Chloe or anyone else says about them will ever chance that. It had been another form of defiance to cut them off. Could it also be defiance to keep them? Defiance of what everyone expects of him? No, probably not really.
He looks down at Chloe's hand around his. He doesn't understand why she's asking him this; there are a lot of things he doesn't understand. Nor can he deny that they did come in handy recently. Perhaps one day they will again.
"Fine. I won't."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-07 03:05 am (UTC)"Thank you."
Chloe presses herself up on her toes and kisses him gently on the cheek. He might be doing this begrudgingly, but it means something to her that he's willing to listen - that he's willing to do something he doesn't want to just because he knows it would hurt her.
"I'd apologize for barging in on you, but I'm still getting even for that time you walked in on me getting out of the shower."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-08 01:36 am (UTC)"You could walk in on me getting out of the shower, if that would help." He wouldn't mind at all. He'd make it happen on purpose, even.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-09 06:30 am (UTC)She smiles, bumping her shoulder against him affectionately.
"I think we're far past the point of being shy around each other."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-10 04:12 am (UTC)"If I wanted to stop people walking in on me, I'd live in a place with a better front door than an elevator."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-19 05:33 am (UTC)"Your weird kinks aside, has it ever occurred to you to, I don't know, buy a door lock? Or, you know, a door? I kind of like the idea of not getting murdered in my sleep by someone wanting to rob something out of your ridiculously ornate penthouse."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 01:40 am (UTC)"Although I suppose now I do, since you insist on sleeping over." Which he has never complained about, and isn't starting now. "I don't know how a door would fit, but I could add some security to the elevator."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-26 05:13 am (UTC)He can't exactly protect her any better than she can him when they're near each other. And she's not going to stop sleeping over just so he can weasel out of some basic security.
"Maybe an alarm? Or a keycard. It's not like you can't afford it."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-27 11:49 pm (UTC)He never would have imagined being this domestic, and yet here it is.
"I suppose my friend the detective would have some ideas about that."
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 09:06 pm (UTC)"I'm assuming your not talking about Dan, so is that your way of saying you want me to look into it?"
no subject
Date: 2019-02-09 09:02 pm (UTC)He knows nothing about them, but maybe she does.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-10 12:39 am (UTC)The fact that he's thinking about her comfort, and more importantly, the fact that he is taking into account her comfort in his home is more meaningful to her than she could probably communicate. Lucifer wasn't always adept at words--as a matter of fact, words got him in trouble more than not--but he has gotten better about speaking through his actions, which is something Chloe is keenly aware of.
"I'll look into it, but you might want to give me a budget."
Look, she knows he's loaded, but she's not sure how loaded.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-10 04:34 pm (UTC)In other words, he's really loaded.
"Just let me know what you need."
no subject
Date: 2019-02-21 05:14 am (UTC)"I'll do my best not to ruin you're whole ancient, fancy pants aesthetic."
The penthouse is probably the least homey place she's ever been to, but it suits him. Not to mention, Chloe isn't exactly rolling in dough. Being a cop doesn't pay nearly as well as owning a nightclub.
"You know, it means a lot to me that you're even entertaining this." She turns to face him, leaning against the balcony railing. "Are you serious about it this time? About us?"
no subject
Date: 2019-02-24 10:39 pm (UTC)Her question throws him a bit off guard, even though it really shouldn't. Is he serious? More than he's ever been, but he's never been good at putting it into words.
"I did some things that you didn't know about at the time because your safety was more important than mine. Then I did some things that you didn't know about at the time because I didn't want to know what it was like to lose you. And then I realized that what I wanted most was for you to choose me."
He steps forward and rests both hands on the railing. "Los Angeles is the first place where I have felt at home. I thought at first that perhaps it was because I had chosen to live here, but really it was you. You made it feel like home."